The garden of despair….
I wonder at the love that has restrained Your hand from smiting down. I am saddened by my sinfulness and betrayal of Your love. Oh Lord have mercy on me as I grasp the awareness that I have sinned again You, the One who has eternally loved me. There is a place of despair inside of me that feels it could never be restored to fellowship with You. I know that is a lie of the evil one, the same one who has urged me to make destructive choices. I cannot lift myself up, my burden is too great. Please have mercy upon me. For without Your mercy, grace and forgiveness I cannot take my next breath. My body must refuse the gift of the air that I breathe as it presses in upon me and reminds me that You care for me and love me in the most divine ways possible. I am repelled and filled with self-loathing that I would take Your sweet offer of friendship so lightly. Please Lord, hear my cry just one more time, let me hear the sweetness of Your comforting love. I cannot bear to remain apart from Your presence and I esteem myself as nothing in Your presence. If I lose You and Your love than I have lost everything with any meaning. So long, too long I have taken Your graciousness for granted. Always believe that I could enter Your throne room at any time and make things right with you by calling upon your mercy and forgiveness. My sin is not yesterday’s, but a lifetime of taking You for granted. I cannot bear to look at myself and the harm my actions have engendered in my life and the lives of others. The fact that I would choose to pursue a moment of distraction and to close my mind off from conscious contact with Your Holy Spirit disgusts me. I can see why hell becomes a personal choice and an absolute punishment. For to be cast away from Your presence is the greatest tragedy which could await any man. I have long known the words, without having the experience of this moment. God forgive me, I feel like nothing will ever be right again, yet Your word comforts me even at this grievous moment. I am an abject failure who has pursued my own understanding, which has been dimmed by my failure to pursue You as a light to my path. If you will grant me a brief moment of redemption and hope of eternal salvation, with Your grace I will live out my life in the grateful service to Your Holy Name. I have no claim upon Your Grace, I can only petition at Your bloodied feet for Your promise of compassion. Please Lord guide me out of this deep, dark garden of horrors, all of my own making and wash me in Your precious blood. Jesus I trust in you with all my heart.